So this guy walks into a bar.......

[genphideaux]

Let's tell a few for Ducky

Sits down at the bar and orders a double, slams it.
Looks in his shirt pocket, say damn and orders another.
This goes on for five or six times.
Finally the bartender decides he better ask what the heck is this boys problem, maybe lost his job, law suit or what.
Before he gives him the next double he ask "Why after you slam a double shot, you look in you shirt pocket, say damn and order another."
Guy replies " Oh that, I got a picture of my wife in there and when she starts looking good I go home."

[chardonnay]

Ok ... have stolen one from a friend ...

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in Good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am
usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said,

Everything appears to be fine. But I am puzzled by your husband's claim that he is hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then Cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old man," she replied. "That's because the First time is usually in August and the second time is in January."

[lone ringer]

A married couple is about to have sex for the first time on their wedding night. They start to undress, and the husband removes his shoes and socks.

The wife notices something frightful about his feet. "Oh my goodness! What happened to your toes?" she exclaimed. When I was little "I had tolio, he said, it's kind of like polio except it only affected my toes."

The husband then removes his pants. "Oh my gosh!" the wife exclaimed again. "What happened to your knees?" "I had kneesles he said, it's kind of like measles except it only affected my knees."

The husband finally takes off his underwear. The wife says, "Wait, let me guess, you also had smallcox right?"

[Guest]

This guy is shipwrecked, stranded on a deserted island. One day he is walking down his beach and stubs his toe on a lamp, he picks it up and out pops the genie. The genie is ecstatic : you have liberated me after thousands of years, so i will grant you one wish. The man says wonderful, I have been stranded on this island for years and would like to return home, but i am afraid of flying and i will never board another ship. I want you to build me a road from here to the mainland. There is no way i can do this, the genie replied. It is thousands of miles to the mainland, you're going to have to think of something else. The man thinks a minute and says, then just make me a woman who will cook, clean, and take care of everything else I desire. The genie replies after much thought, would you like that highway two lane or four.

[genphideaux]

Bear walks into a bar and ask for a drink. Bartender says"Read the sign there, we don't serve animals" Bear gets mad and says" If you don't serve me I'm gonna eat that lady at the end of the bar." Bartender points to the sign and says nothing. The bear goes to the end of the bar and eats the lady, then the bartender says" Well now you done it, I really can't serve you now your a druggy" Bear looks at him and says "What the heck are you talking about"
Bartender says" That was a barbitchuate"

[Deguello]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!

"We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!

"Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[metalhead]

OK, So there are these two lawyers, and they are on this very expensive sailboat in the cruising the south pacific. All was good. Plenty of single malt scotch, lots of fresh sea food and comraderie among two close friends.

Then comes this damn typhoon, and it's a big one. A really big one. And a couple of days later they find themselves shipwrecked on this deserted desolite island. The only food available was the coconuts that grew on the very few trees on this sorry piece of sand.

So, day after day, the lawyers took turns shinnying up the palm trees to throw down a few coconuts for the days meal. It was also understood that while up the tree, one of the lawyers would look over the horizon to search for a rescue ships knowing that the signal fire was ready to be lit.....

Well one day, one of the lawyers was up in the tree and yelled down to his pal that there was a makeshift raft that seemed to be drifting their way. And on this raft was the most drop dead beautiful woman that he had ever seen...and all she had on was nothing at all.

Sure enough, on the next morning's incoming tide, the raft washed up onto the beach and the two lawyers started down to greet their new guest.

About halfway down the beach, one of these sorry bastards looked at the other and said...Ya know, we have been on this miserable island for months and months, just the two of us.

So one of them said to the other, let's just go down there and screw her real good....and the other lawyer looked at him and said..."Like Outta What"

[chardonnay]

MAKING A BABY...


There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now The man
should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat" After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to
pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted

[powding]

Earl and Bubba, two good ole boys from Dixie are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think
I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find.

[genphideaux]

Little Budreaux walks up to the teaches desk after class.
The teacher says "Yes, little Budreaux what can I do for you?"
Little Budreaux says "Teacher I'm a not tryin to a scare you, but my Papa said if I come a home with another report card like this one, somebody is gitt'in an ass whuppin."

[powding]

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management
technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.
The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of
the person you are holding underwater.

See? It really does work. You're smiling already.

[slowstdy]

Too funny....enjoy!


follow these steps [in order of course]

1.go to www.google.com

2.click on maps

3.click on get directions

4.go from "new york" to "paris, france"

5.scroll down in the directions to number 23